Baseball’s Too Slow. Here’s How You Fix It.

Make the fans enter through tiny turnstiles surrounded by armed police officers. Make the seats really uncomfortable and humiliate anyone who leaves in the middle of play to get food or go to the bathroom. Encourage people to shout abuses at one another and to chuck garbage onto the field.

No kiss cams. No seventh-inning stretch. You want to sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” or, worse, “Sweet Caroline”? Do it on your own time. Anyone who attempts to propose to his or her partner via the Jumbotron will be ejected from the game and banned for life.

As for the players: No relaxing. No chatting. No being nice to your opponents. No doing that thing where you waste time knocking the dirt out of your shoes with your bat for good luck, or whatever. You’re hit by a pitch/rupture your hamstring/bleed from an open wound? Suck it up.

Cap the games at five innings. Make sure at least 75 percent of the crowd is in a vile temper by the end of the game. If the score is tied, the winner should be determined by penalty kicks. — SARAH LYALL

Cut Down on the Yakking

Ban all mound visits except when…

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